“Happy 23rd Birthday” a text came on March 8, 2010

“Thank you mummy. I feel so old now” I replied.

“Grow up honey, it’s time to smell the coffee” she texted back.

“I don’t drink coffee” I replied.

“Still you have to grow up. You can’t stay young forever” she texted back.

 

My last birthday wish from a loving mother. My world turned upside down on Sunday, January 9th 2011.

I dreaded my 24th birthday. Until now I’m grateful God made sure there were many events on March 8th, 2011. I didn’t want to celebrate it, but at the same time hated that no one cared to celebrate it anymore. Everyone had their own schedule.

Nothing was the same anymore. Since day 41 after her death, I knew there longer lay a link between all of us.

All I have now is Dad & L.

I didn’t want to face the music, I didn’t want to grow up too quickly. At the end I was forced into it, no complaints could be made. Every single complaint ever spoken was regretted.

After L’s birthday in June 2011, I thought I could move on.
I took on a job I knew would keep me busy always. Too busy to think about my life, too busy to remind myself she’s no longer here.

The worst thing is,I wake up one moment remembering

I could no longer pick up the phone and hear her voice.

I could no longer go home and see her.

I could no longer talk to her about my problems and get advice.

 

All I could do is shed silent tears, questioning God why did this have to happen?

I still don’t understand, did I take her for granted too many times? did I fail so badly as a daughter? did I love her too much?

Loads of people have said to me “We love her, but Jesus loves her more.”

But I know Jesus isn’t an egoistic God. I know He wouldn’t want us to hurt and be in pain.

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